Like A Dwarf

You know that scene from Lord of The Rings, where the Fellowship are dungeoneering through Moria, and Gandalf reads the last journal of the dwarf Balin, Gimli's late cousin? Those neat runes actually read something else: and, well, through a lot of painstaking effort, the tranlation has finally come through.

I present it to you below ...

Like A Dwarf

(with apologies to The Lonely Island)

Mr. Balin. Thanks for coming to your performance review.
No problem.
So you're in charge around here, is that fair to say?.
Absolutely. I'm a dwarf.
Okay, so take us through a day in the life of a dwarf.
Well the first thing I do is...

Talk to the mine boss (like a dwarf)
Approve memos (like a dwarf)
Cut a tunnel (like a dwarf)
Remember birthdays (like a dwarf)
Refine minerals (like a dwarf)
My own mineshaft (like a dwarf)
Micromanage (like a dwarf)
Promote Synergy (like a dwarf)

Hit on Debra (like a dwarf)
Get rejected (like a dwarf)
Swallow sadness (like a dwarf)
Write some runes down (like a dwarf)
Call Elrond (like a dwarf)
Cry deeply (like a dwarf)
Demand a refund (like a dwarf)
Eat some lembas (like a dwarf)

Harrassment lawsuit (like a dwarf)
No promotion (like a dwarf)
Fifth of vodka (like a dwarf)
Shit on Debra's desk (like a dwarf)
Buy a crossbow (like a dwarf)
In my mouth (like a dwarf)

Oh, fuck man, I can't fucking do it ... shit!

Pussy out (like a dwarf)
Puke on Debra's desk (like a dwarf)
Jump out the window (like a dwarf)
Suck an elf's dick (like a dwarf)
Score some coke (like a dwarf)
Crash my cart (like a dwarf)
Suck my own dick (like a dwarf)
Eat some chicken strips (like a dwarf)

Chop my beard off (like a dwarf)
Descend to Moria (like a dwarf)
Meet some orcs and trolls (like a dwarf)
Fuck their brains out (like a dwarf)
Fly an Eagle (like a dwarf)
Bomb Sauron (like a dwarf)
Dig up a Balrog (like a dwarf)
Now I'm dead (like a dwarf)

Uh huh. So that's an average day for you then?
No doubt.
You chop your beard off and die?
Hell yeah!
And I think at one point there you said something about sucking your own dick.
Actually I'm pretty sure you did.
Nah, that ain't me.
Okay, well this has been eye opening for me.
I'm a dwarf.
Yeah, no, I got that. You said it about four hundred times.
I'm a dwarf.
Yeah, yeah, I got it!
I'm a dwarf.
No, I heard you. See ya later.


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