A Dream I Had This Morning

I dreamed of my brother Sean this morning.

We were in a room in our old house, and Sean looked more or less as he was when I last saw him. He was working on a complex computer program which was clearly beyond him. Some sort of puzzle, to work out the equations for a matrix transform that would connect some lines together to form a shape on the screen like a bevelled rectangle, or a picture of a chimneyless house roof seen from above.

I just changed a few parameters, and got one of the lines to go where it was meant to go. Sean looked up at me, and I didn't have to read his mind to know what he was going to say next.

He asked me then for my help, and his voice was not that of the adult, but of the boy I once knew, back when we were kids.

I realised that he was also kind of tipsy, and I told him "In your current state, Sean, I doubt you'd be able to solve this little puzzle without my aid."

And then part of me woke up, and the dream stopped but somehow I remained kind of asleep, in the dark behind my eyes, as if the curtains had gone down but I was still in the theatre.

And then I realised what I'd been saying, and where Sean was, and I continued, with infinite sadness and a great, crushing weight, "Indeed, in your current condition I doubt you'd be capable of doing very much at all."

Turns out both my parents had had dreams about Sean, too. His birthday is coming up very soon. We cannot go one day without missing him.

1 comment:

  1. That's just the way things are like this. A day doesn't go by without my thinking about Robert. Even if it's a "Oh Robert would love that sunset." Or something. Granted, a day doesn't go by that I don't think of Jeff in some capacity, but I know that's because I'm still working shit out and not because I miss him. It's becoming less and less, though probably won't ever go away because of poetry. Still. Robert shows up in my dreams quite a bit, and lately, I've been missing him more than usual. I really wish he was here because I'm about to go through another huge milestone, and it feels wrong that he's not here for it. It feels wrong that he's not here to hang out with and to take part in my nerdity. Missing him has been really strong these last six months.


"And if we have unearned luck, now to scape the serpent's tongue, we will make amends ere long. Else the Puck a liar call ..."

So speak.