I had been invited to come to the White House. President Obama was impressed by my hypnotic prowess, and wanted me to offer tips. He offered a lot of money, and funnelled enough funds into bank accounts that everybody in my family would be taken care of for the rest of their lives - so I got a passport (someone put pressure on the Home Office to speed up the bureaucracy) and went.

It turned out that Barack was a fan of tumblr. He greeted me, surrounded by Secret Service agents, in the Oval Office, and his first words were:-

"Hi. I like your shoelaces."

My response, of course, could only be:-

"Thanks. I stole them from you."

Cue a dozen standard issue Secret Service pistols aimed at my head.

"Clearly, Mister President, you will need to hire people who have tumblr accounts,' I respond, calm as a Bond villain.

So the Pres asks me to demonstrate my abilities. I ask if any of the Secret Service agents have been to Hypnotic Erotic of late. The President indicates an Agent Shaw, a diminutive female MiB. Should that be WiB or FiB?

Anyway, I go up to this Agent Scully and ask her "Have you been to Hypnotic Erotic?"

"Yes," she replies, "but I can't actually remember much."

I ask her permission to come close to her. I whisper a trigger word in her ear. She trances right out. I catch her as she collapses into my arms. Again with the guns. So the Pres waves off the hardware, and I instruct Agent Coelenterate to stand up and walk with me to the President's desk. She does so, holding my hand; then she lies face up on the Oval Office carpet in front of him, sprawled over the Seal of the USA.

Last thing I did was bring her consciousness back and hold out my hand to help her up, asking her not to do any weird judo moves or anything because I'm only helping.

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"And if we have unearned luck, now to scape the serpent's tongue, we will make amends ere long. Else the Puck a liar call ..."

So speak.