Taking The Piss

A conversation I just had today with my bestie, T.

wolfsheart9: Now, one of the other tea brands here that I would suggest you avoid like the plague if you visit the States -- it's called Lusianna. Holy shit, that is some noxious crap. If I had to imagine the American "Tea Party" (bastards don't deserve that name) drinking tea, it would be Lusianna.
Me: LOL It sounds like the leavings we'd have thrown off the ship ourselves. Sounds as if they threw the good stuff overboard and hadn't realised that all the crap stuff was already on the shore.
Me: Now if they'd thought ahead, they could have taken all the good stuff off the ship onto the docks, swapped it for the crap stuff and thrown that overboard.
wolfsheart9: I think it's the tea leaves that natives wipe their asses with then slip into the drying bags they trade with the colonizing white jerks.
Me: LMAOOO
wolfsheart9: This might not be relevant to you because you guys don't drink iced tea, but when iced tea has been left in the tea bins (after it's been made) in a restaurant for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours (or even at home if you do this in the pitcher) after what holds the tea hasn't been cleaned out for a day or two, the tea winds up with this taste that Jeff used to call "skunky" -- it's BAD. It's just...you wouldn't even feed this iced tea to Jean-fucking-Grey if she was dying of thirst and you wanted to punish her. It's THAT bad.
wolfsheart9: But that's how Lusianne iced tea tastes FRESH.
Me: Oh gods.
Me: It's the Discordian Parable of the Bitter Tea.
wolfsheart9: It's nasty motherfucking stuff.
wolfsheart9: It's so bad, you'd volunteer in a watersports-piss drinking scene at a sweaty BDSM club just to get the taste of that tea out of your mouth.
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: That thought has left me speechless.
wolfsheart9: :))
wolfsheart9: It is BAD TEA.
Me: Dave Lister of Red Dwarf could not have come up with that imagery.
wolfsheart9: *bows flamboyantly*
Me: LOLOL
Me: I am saving this entire conversation just for that line.
wolfsheart9: :))
wolfsheart9: I should, too.
wolfsheart9: Actually, I'll post it to LJ for reference.
Me: hehehe I'm saving it as "2015 07 28 the piss tea convo with tracy"
wolfsheart9: LOL

It's been a long, long time since I had a conversation as epic as this one.

Livejournal Archive: Strike Force Zero Boils A Cup Of Tea

This article first appeared in my Livejournal blog, The Plainclothes Clown here.

Last week, an inspiration came to me for a parody of the organisation listed within World of Darkness: Demon Hunter X: a team of dedicated agents known as Strike Force Zero.

As a result, I penned the following spoof article, which had me giggling uncontrollably all night long ...

A cell of Strike Force Zero prepares to boil a cup of tea

Shiro, the Handsome Leader: Get ready!

All: Strike Force Zero, GO!

Shiro: Kettle!

Tanaka, the Rebel: In position!

Shiro: Water!

Machiko, the Token Female: Pouring! [pours water] Water in place!

Shiro: Tanaka, status!

Tanaka: Containment secure! Kettle is full and ready to activate!

Shiro: Giant, power circuits! Report!

Giant, the Bruiser: Power conduit all clear! Ready to go!

Machiko: Current holding and steady!

Shiro: Psyop, tea status report!

Psyop, the runt (read that again, I SAID RUNT!) with the speech impediment: Reep doo wah b'ding briiiiit -

Tanaka [wry grin]: What - EVER ...

Machiko: All systems reporting ready!

Tanaka: Set!

Shiro: Activating kettle ... NOW!

[Shiro pushes button on side of kettle]

All [to the accompaniment of kata style flourishes in unison]: RAPID! WATER!! BOILAGE!!!

[Optional DVD ending cut from original Japanese anime footage]

[Kettle inexplicably morphs into unstoppable 500 foot Mecha Samurai colossus of metal, steam and plastic that promptly goes on the rampage and trashes half of Tokyo]